Having a blue Christmas? By Kevin Cullen Lafayette Journal and Courier, Lafayette, Indiana Glenda Buchanan's heart aches as she thinks about all the Christmases that have passed since her son, Andrew Brost, died. Cancer took him on Dec. 27, 1990, at age 13. "This will be the 14th year. He has been gone longer than he was with us," says Buchanan, of West Lafayette. "Even now, 14 years later, when I hear some Christmas songs on the radio, it takes me back to 14 years ago," she says. "I think the holiday season is more difficult because of the family gatherings, and the memories." The holidays form a special time of love, joy and togetherness. That's as it should be, but painful comparisons make the season bleak and empty for those grieving the death of a loved one, especially a child. Experts say there is no "right" or "wrong" way to grieve, but many people feel better if they seek support, inspiration and ways to help others. "So many things can trigger thoughts and memories - it could be a smell, a song, anything," says Lou Ann Hamilton, a grief counselor and clinical social worker in the Office of the Dean of Students at Purdue University. "If you truly love somebody, how do you let go of them? You don't." "The holidays, I think, do intensify things. Whenever there is a grief and bereavement situation, the holidays can trigger intense feelings and emotions," says Heather Servaty-Seib, an assistant professor of counseling and development in the School of Education at Purdue. She is an expert on grief and mourning. The holidays bring families together for "quality time," she says, so the absence of any family member leaves a void. Some families find comfort in continuing all of the holiday rituals they always knew. Others abandon them entirely, or pick and choose. All of those options work, she says, but parents or caregivers should talk with grieving children before making any final plans. "Every member of the family, including the children, will have different experiences of grief and different perspectives about how the holidays should be approached after the death of a loved one," she says. Children tend to experience intense grief sporadically, because their emotions are less developed. It often spans a longer period of years than that of adult family members. Be patient Some people find solace in talking and going to support group meetings. Others don't want or need that, Servaty-Seib says. "Support is important, but research is beginning to support that it helps with loneliness, but it may not reduce grief. Another person can't replace that person," she says. " ... I think it could be helpful to grieving people to know that getting support from others doesn't necessarily mean having a heart-to-heart where you cry and emote." The key to surviving the holidays, she says, is for survivors to "be kind and patient with themselves, and not judge their experience in terms of anyone else 's, or society at all." Hamilton, a former hospice volunteer, says that many grieving people long to tell their story to someone. Crying and expressing their feelings brings emotional and physical relief. "All grieving people want people to show they care," she says. " ... Don't minimize a loss or try to compare it to another. "They're sad every day," she says. "Don't be afraid to ask them how they're doing. It can take a year, two years, five years ... grief is a long process." Her nephew was killed in an accident at age 5 shortly before Christmas, years ago. "I didn't enjoy Christmas for a long time. It was always my favorite time of year," Hamilton says. But that tragedy led her to earn two college degrees and become a grief counselor. A family that has experienced a death recently may decide to cut back on holiday decorating, or eat out, or skip holiday festivities. They shouldn't feel guilty about any of those decisions, Hamilton says. "Be assertive. If you don't want to go to a party, don't go," she says. "Stand up for yourself." It's OK to be sad when others are happy, Hamilton says, but volunteering, and making the holidays more joyous for someone else, can help ease the pain. "The things you do affect the way you feel," she says. The grief may never go away completely, "but you hope you can move to the point where you can laugh at the things that person said and did," she says. Buchanan has two older children, but she cried over Andrew's loss every day for about two years. The first few Christmases after he died were especially tough because "his absence was just so loud," she says. "The fact that he was not there was so difficult. You saw everyone else's lives going on." She became chapter leader of The Compassionate Friends, a support group for parents who have lost one or more children. Members gather monthly in Lafayette to hear guest speakers, share stories and cherish memories. "I would recommend a support group," Buchanan says. "They are not for everyone, but it really saved the day for me. You know that even years down the road with grief, you can go there and reminisce and mention your child's name and not be judged or told you should just get over it. You never get over the loss of someone you love." Strength in numbers Many grieving families find strength in holiday gatherings, because they know that relatives will understand their feelings and do all they can to help. "All too often, people don't want to bring you down so they don't want to mention your child," Buchanan says. "But that is what you want. You want them to mention your child, especially years down the road." Spiritual and inspirational books have helped her, she says, and so have inspirational music and Christian radio programming. "I know that Jesus was sent here to prepare the way. He has been my greatest comforter, and gives me hope," she says. Another key to easing the pain lies in the season itself, Buchanan says. "This is the season for giving," she says. "I have seen it so often, and if you can reach out and help someone else, your grief will lift. There are so many needs, wherever you go. I have a lot of elderly people in my life right now, and our support group makes a lot of phone calls and sends a lot of cards ... I think that is the biggest thing, taking time for someone else. Even if we can  just do it every now and then, it gets us away from our grief." She takes the money she would have spent on Andrew's Christmas presents, and gives it to projects for children. That, too, helps. And she reminds herself that Andrew "would want us to go ahead and enjoy life, every day of it," she says. "What helped me the most was an attitude of gratitude. I believe that is what everybody's life is about. When I was going through the deepest grief, and crying every day, God dropped into my spirit the realization that there were millions of people who would still trade places with me, to have a warm home, a loving family, friends, and a soft bed to rest on." "You don't accept for a long time that your child has died, but finally you do," Buchanan says. "Then you thank God that he gave him to me for that many years, as opposed to some who have only had their child for a few days." There is no single "right" way for a grieving person to cope with the holidays, says LuAnn Hamilton, a grief counselor at Purdue University. However, the person should try to get plenty of sleep, eat healthy foods and avoid alcohol; consider scaling back on home decorating; decide whether to cook; be assertive, and "let someone else be the Good Samaritan." Ideas that may or not be helpful, she says, include decorating the grave for the holiday; donate the money that would have been spent on the loved one to a charity; let others know what you want to do and don't want to do; volunteer; change the holiday routine; seek out a bereavement support group; visit friends and family. "Don't feel guilty if you feel sad when others are happy," she says. "Also, don't feel guilty if you find yourself laughing or being happy. Don't expect this holiday to feel the same as it has in the past." FYI Several grief support groups are available in the Greater Lafayette area. For more information about the informal group that meets at St. Elizabeth Medical Center, call 423-6105; Mourning and Dancing, 420-1739; The Compassionate  Friends, 589-3253 or 447-7370; the Purdue Individual, Couple and Family Therapy Clinic, 494-2939. The Lafayette Crisis Center's 24-hour hotline, putting callers in touch with community services, is available by calling 2-1-1.